It’s been three years for this month since we lost our supposed to be first baby at 12 weeks. It was the 4th day of December of 2014 when we had experienced the saddest part in our married life. The memory of it is impossible for me to forget. Every time this day of the year will come, I feel teary and gloomy thinking about our angel.
We announced my pregnancy upon hearing the heartbeat during my second ultrasound thinking we were in the clear. I’ve shared my detailed struggles about the tragic event here. The day came when the heartbeat stopped. It was a traumatic event that will permanently remain in my recollection. The intense feeling of sadness was so consuming. It felt like, it was cutting my soul into pieces, and I am not sure where to start to make myself whole again. I had to force myself to accept the reality that my hopes of having our first fruit of our love was gone. Those excitement of finally being a mother was lost without warning. I wasn’t and will never be prepared to endure such pain. A tough emotional battle that tested my strength.
Aside from wrestling my emotions in healing myself after the ordeal, I also had to survive the tormenting comments from the people around me. I received some remarks which I knew the intention was to uplift my feelings but it gave me the opposite. It added to my agony. I would not encourage people to say these to someone who recently lost their unborn child.
“Your pregnancy was less than 3 months. It was still a blood and not a baby. You can get over it right away.”- My baby is not just a cell or a drop of blood. He was a living human created from love. Nobody can dictate how someone can cope with the grieving process.
“Someone in our neighborhood is willing to have their kids adopted. You may want to consider it.”- It’s like rubbing it in my face that I am not going to get pregnant again. Having an adopted child will never replace the lost one.
“Now, I know why you suddenly gained weight because of your failed pregnancy and you’re on Maternity Leave. Don’t worry you’ll have another chance to have one.”- Giving comments about someone’s figure who recently lost her pregnancy is just totally rude.
“There’s always a next time. You’re young for sure you can still make another baby.”-I am lucky enough for having another baby boy after I lost my first pregnancy but that won’t erase the pain that I had for my failed experience.
I am completely aware that their intentions were genuine to help me cope with my loss. It’s difficult, yes, to comfort someone dealing with the grieving process, especially if you haven’t been into that situation. Words won’t just come out naturally without possibly hurting their feelings more.
How should we extend our compassion then? Just simply say, Your sorry for their loss and ask if there’s anything that you can do to help them. If they need someone to talk to or any support that you can offer. For all the parents who had gone thru the same as mine, I can relate to your feelings of losing our angel. Having healthy babies after the lost pregnancy will never take the memory of our previously failed journey to motherhood.
To my unborn child:
We will never forget you. You will remain in our hearts and memory. Though we haven’t had the chance to physically touch you, not even heard your giggles and cry, or tell you how lucky we are to have you while carrying your tiny fragile body, your daddy and I, loves you so much.