The rain was pouring so hard while the twilight fades to blackness. We were about to surrender our tired bodies to sleep when a line man from a local electric company called us to inform about some problems with our electric line. Our neighbor reported seeing visions of electrical discharge coming from our main line. Not expecting for such unfortunate event, we were told that they would cut our line immediately for safety reasons. I understand the urgency of the situation as it may pose a real danger not just to us, but to the neighboring houses too.
My concern was about my child. How could he sleep thru the night without an electric fan? He couldn’t understand yet even if I’m going to explain it to him about what happened. We were left with no choice but to spend the night in total darkness. The repair men will still be available the following day. Can we survive this ordeal? My toddler started getting rowdy and asking to turn on the fan before he would sleep. He kept on crying thinking we were ignoring what he needed. Fortunately, our neighbor was kind enough to lend a night use of their power source. Yes, Akyn slept in comfort under the black curtain wrapped around the sky!
Honestly, I was totally pissed. I was already worrying about the cancellation of my important commitment the next morning. I was forced to stay at home to have our lines fixed. My husband added another trigger to my hormones ranging in anger. He came from work complaining not to buy a food I requested. His bag was soiled with its sauce. Instead of him alleviating my aggravation, he amplified my exasperation.
I felt like a complete disaster that night. I questioned my faith in Him. I was putting all the blame of my circumstances from the heavens. I was arrogant enough to say I did my part to work hard for my goals but it seemed I was continuously being pushed down the drain. My cancelled appointment was so important to me and I really didn’t want to cancel it. If I only had a choice. My patience was tested and squeezed until its last straw. I was also sulking with my husband. I was expecting him to be my emotional support during my weakest but I didn’t feel his presence. I experienced the opposite. I started to hate myself and all the people around me. All I saw were their flaws. I couldn’t see the light. I was helpless.
When the line was fixed and the electricity functioned went back to normal, I started assessing my reaction to such stressful event. Was I really mad about the faulty wiring concern or the cancellation of my responsibilities, perhaps something was bothering me? No, those were not the main reasons why I severely crossed the line in challenging the power of God. I was keeping all my frustrations from my husband and all the hurt came after being triggered.
We’ve been very busy lately, catching up with our work and performing our duties as parents to our toddler. We forgot to give time to ourselves us husband and wife. We rarely had the chance to talk after our busy day and immediately retire to bed preparing for another workday. We had few disagreements in the past few days and haven’t had the chance to fix them until it came to a point where the ill feeling continued to build up.
It’s unhealthy for a relationship to lose the importance of communication as a very essential part of making the relationship last. Even if everything is present, without good communication, it’s difficult to fix what needs to be settled. We assumed we’re both fine without confirming our true feelings. We confessed about our disappointments and vent each side of our story. The love we have for each other prevailed and we’ve learned to compromise, forgive and promised to be a better version of ourselves.
Though the broken matters in our marriage were fixed, my conscience was bothering me for being so shameless, doubting the power of Him. I asked for repentance in silence and humbled myself owning my frailty. How weak is my faith in Him. How shallow is my perception about His immeasurable power. I don’t deserve his goodness. I have sinned tremendously and there’s no excuse for what I had committed. The guilt feeling was deep-seated that I had to express it in writing to reduce the gravity of my overwhelming emotions of remorse.
I am in deep sorrow for I committed a grievous sin. I devote myself to be a better follower of Yours. Let me receive Your mercy without doubt. Help me live my life as You perfectly designed it to be. Help me strengthen my patience in times of distress. Allow me to value every trials as a test to my trust in You. Please make me realize that I am nothing without You. Amen
This event is a wake up call to me to evaluate the fortitude of my faith. Every day must be a great opportunity for me to improve my relationship towards Him. I am neither perfect nor near to perfection but I can definitely do something to change the old me to be better.
You will never succeed in life if you try to hide your sins. Confess them and give them up; then God will show mercy to you. (Proverbs 28:13)